When Self-Care gets Old
Beyond the Bubble Bath: Why True Self-Care Isn't a Zero-Sum Game
In our fast-paced, always-on world, "self-care" has rightly risen to prominence. The concept of prioritizing our well-being is vital. However, what often passes for self-care in contemporary culture can sometimes be built on a curious misconception: a zero-sum mentality.
This mindset suggests that giving to others – whether it's our time, energy, empathy, or effort in our work – inherently depletes us. Therefore, true self-care, by this logic, becomes a solitary act of withdrawal: the bubble bath, the solo Netflix binge, the explicit "no" to any external demand. While these moments of rest and comfort have their place, relying on them as our primary mode of self-care often leaves us feeling perpetually drained, always needing to "recharge" from the perceived burden of life.
The Paradox of Exertion: A Deeper Well of Strength
Consider the metaphor of exercise. If you approached physical fitness with a zero-sum mindset, you'd believe that every run, every lift, every strenuous workout merely depletes your energy stores. You'd constantly feel the need to recover, to rest, to avoid exertion to preserve your strength.
But we know this isn't how it works. Paradoxically, the exertion of energy doesn't simply tire us out; it strengthens us and builds our capacity. Pushing our muscles, testing our endurance, challenging our limits – this very act of "spending" energy actually produces more energy. We become more resilient, more capable, and possess a greater reserve of strength than we did before the workout.
True Self-Care: Building Capacity Through Purposeful Engagement
This same principle applies to our emotional, relational, and vocational lives. A true culture of abundance recognizes that relationship and vocation are not drains, but profound sources of replenishment.
Relationship as a Source of Strength: While challenging relationships can indeed be draining, genuine, reciprocal relationships are fundamentally energizing. The effort of deep listening, empathetic connection, shared laughter, and mutual support builds our relational "muscles." It creates a sense of belonging and purpose that fills us up, rather than depleting us. It's the difference between a transactional interaction and a true partnership in life.
Vocation as a Wellspring of Meaning: Our work, when aligned with our values and purpose, can be incredibly demanding, but also profoundly invigorating. The exertion of solving complex problems, creating something new, serving a cause we believe in, or mastering a skill, pushes us beyond our current limits. This effort, like a good workout, expands our capacity, sharpens our minds, and injects our lives with meaning that wards off existential fatigue.
Doing Hard Things: The Antidote to Perpetual Comfort-Seeking
In this light, doing hard things – engaging authentically in challenging relationships, pursuing meaningful work with dedication, embracing discomfort for growth – can become the very antidote to the kinds of self-care that are, in reality, merely pleasure-seeking or comfort-seeking behaviors.
While comfort has its place, a steady diet of only comfort can ironically make us feel weaker, less resilient, and more easily depleted. It’s like a muscle that’s never challenged: it atrophies.
True self-care, then, isn't just about withdrawing to recharge; it's also about:
Consciously engaging: Choosing to lean into relationships, even when they're difficult, because the depth they offer is worth the effort.
Finding purpose in action: Committing to our vocation not just for external reward, but for the inherent meaning and growth it provides.
Embracing productive struggle: Recognizing that the very act of "exerting" ourselves in service of something larger than our immediate comfort can build a deeper, more sustainable well of energy and resilience.
So, the next time you feel the need for "self-care," certainly take the rest you need. But also ask yourself: Am I just seeking comfort, or am I building capacity? Am I merely withdrawing, or am I leaning into the challenging, beautiful, and deeply replenishing work of living a life connected to purpose and people? Sometimes, the most invigorating form of self-care is found not in avoiding the exertion, but in embracing it.
